Still Looking For The Square Hole

I have grown to respect pastors who preach week in and week out. I have had to preach the last 10 weeks in a row and it has solidified in my mind how it is not for me. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy teaching and I have become much better over the last 4 years. Rather it is the knowledge that next week is quickly approaching and whether or not I feel like what I have to say will be the least bit edifying, I must preach nonetheless. This is what I feel like my soul cannot abide. A sneaking feeling that I have and will produce mediocre work because I'm really not feeling what I am supposed to be teaching on. If I don't feel like it is going to make much of a difference in my students lives, or that the material is particularly relevant at the time, then I feel like my heart is not in it. And when my heart is not in it, I see a marked difference in my teaching. So what do I do? Fake it? Even if I could, which I can't, I wouldn't want to.

I have to say, I am really disheartened by the whole thing. Even though I knew this about myself before I began; that preaching every week or being a senior pastor was something I never aspired to do. I'm not a preacher, I never have been. It's more something that has been placed on me because of my position and education. While I don't mind doing it every once in a while, it will always be another man's shoes on my feet. I guess the question is: What is it that I ought to be doing?

"Jack of all trades, master of none, though ofttimes better than master of one." This quote, in it's entirety, is pretty much how I feel all of the time. I feel like the devotion of myself to one, and only one thing, is a waste of time. The problem is that I have yet to find a position anywhere for: teacher, preacher, chaplain, graphic artist, zookeeper, writer, and all the other things I want to learn. I know what the square peg feels like as the world tries to hammer it into the round hole.