1 Star: Twilight

This is for all you 'Twihards' out there. A 1 Star review of the crappiest book to ever sweep the nation, Twilight. I didn't have time to go through the hundreds of reviews berating this monstrosity so we will just have to make due with what I found. As always these are real reviews from Amazon.com presented in all their grammatical glory with my occasional comments in red. Let's begin...

"There still remains one simple fact: this is one of the most painfully badly-written pieces of published writing I have ever had the misfortune of coming across.
I've scored 9th-grade essays that tortured the English language significantly less. Her editor should be shot; maybe then he'd do a better job.
It makes me shudder to think about what the manuscripts must have looked like before editing. I can only conclude that Meyer has the IQ of a leek."
Leeks everywhere rise in protest of being compared to the mental prowess of the author and then commit ritual seppuku.

"I'm sorry, but a person who sparkles in the sunlight, only eats animals and doesn't have fangs is not a vampire. It's a friggen PIXIE."

"Seriously? People seriously think these books are good?
THE VAMPIRES SPARKLE. In the sunlight. SPARKLE.
LIKE THEIR SKIN IS COVERED WITH DIAMONDS.
That alone should make everyone throw these books on the fire. SPARKLING? ARE YOU SERIOUS WOMAN?"

"To put it simply, Stephenie Meyer couldn't write her way out of a paper bag."

"being a vampire and having had a romance with a teenage girl, i can say with authority that this is a terrible representation of either."
Finally we have confirmation from the teen molesting vampires themselves that this is tripe.

"Absolutely dreadful - no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Poorly written story that glorifies an unhealthy, codependent relationship between a whiny, emo teenager and a controlling, emotionally abusive stalker vampire - that sparkles. Blech."
What?! The relationship of a 100 year old man who looks like a teenager and spends his days stalking a teen is 'unhealthy'?

"Meyer's writing style is quite horrendous.
'Who gets to ask the questions tomorrow?' I asked quizzically.
'I don't know,' Edward retorted.
'Is it you?' I wondered musingly.
'I think I get to answer the questions tomorrow," he remarked cheekily.
'Oh really?' I huffed angrily.
'Oh yes!' he chortled naughtily.
This is beyond a joke."
I vomitted a little reading this paragraph.

"This novel is a piece of rubbish that should be placed at the bottom of a paper bag and filled with excrete and burned at Stephenie Meyer's doorstep."

"I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS MOVIE jt is great first bella is perfect she shows teenagers it is ok to b in love with someone ay a young age edward show tht having compasoin with someone it can mean it eill be dangerous this movie is the best and people who dont like it have no heart for good books"
We end with a standard Twilight fan who, by the way, gave the book a 1 star rating as well.

1 Star: The Bible

I have had a request for the next 1 Star Classic, the #1 bestselling book of all time, The Bible. Although from many of these reviews, you may be wondering how it got that way.

The Holy Bible

"This is the worst book I've picked up since Christopher Castile's 'Being You is Most Definitely Cool'."

"I think we all can safely say that this book has been pretty much debunked by Science. I would put the Bible on the same shelf as books like 'The Odyssey'. Basically, fictional tales told by primitive men in a primitive time in human history."

"I find the plot hard to follow, the writing style is pretty rough and the characters lack emotional depth. God turns out to be a pretty mean guy when kicks Adam and Eve out of the garden for simply eating an apple and then tries to trick Abraham into killing his son ... just kidding! He does do a good job of flooding the earth and killing most everyone which is kind of cool, but again, kind of mean. The new testament stuff is better ... Jesus is a pretty cool dude with a good message about loving people and turning the other check and all that ... but it seems to get lost in translation somewhere in the modern world."

"its thickness, its weight, and its sexy black imitation leather covering makes this book an ideal doorstopper. Very useful."

"I feel that this book started out well but lacked something of an ending. The writing styles change intermittedly and seem to lack something of a finesse, blatantly stating things that cannot be taken literally or figuratively well enough to purvey a superior understanding of the text. I found it about as entertaining as flipping through a T.V. guide but not owning a T.V. seeing all the shows that you could be watching explained in a summerized detail that never quite lets you know what it's really all about. A true literary flop."

"Reading the reviews of this bible has inspired me to contribute.
Leviticus 25:17 - 'Thou shalt wear a shirt woven of two type of cloth'
Pure Cotton is the only way. All praise Saville Row."

"God sure sounds unhappy. Maybe he should seek professional help for his anger. Hell, it worked for me."

"This book is in very poor taste. Between the rape, torture, murder, mass murder, and latent themes of homophobia this book is not for the faint of heart. Only the mad or abusive would allow a child anywhere near this, it would scar them for life."

"Frankly, I was disapointed. I expected more from God. Definetly not his best work."

1 Star: To Kill A Mockingbird

This may upset some folks I know. There was a lot of unhappy people at Amazon, but it seems the "haters" came to a general consensus in their reviews. It was boring! My own personal comments will be denoted in red, just like Jesus. And as always, the reviews are cited as posted on Amazon, in all their grammatical glory.

To Kill A Mockingbird

"I was completely bored reading this book. A court case is hardly a thrilling idea."
Don't tell that to John Grisham.

"Once you have read one book like this one, you have read them all. A classic american piece of caca"

"Say what you will, but this never picks up. It starts out with Scout talking about how her brother once broke his arm. Who cares? The book's most exiting part is extremely confusing, and don't tell me I'm stupid; I have an IQ of 140. I personally prefer books that have something called action, such as Michael Chricton or Stephen King novels."
Yes, of course, the genius doesn't understand the most "exiting" part of the book. Big surprise.

"I was assigned this book for a reading assignment and me and the guy who sat next to me seemed to be the only ones who hated the book out of the whole class and we sit right infront of the teachers desk so we gave her heck all day! lol anyway... I seriously dislike this book!"
When I read this I can picture some of the high school kids I work with actually saying it... quite disturbing.

Well if this is a classic then so could the Charlies Angel's movies. All the book consists of is a middle-class family in the south with a few weird neighbors. I mean come on. Who really cares about a little girl that goes around the neighborhood doing things like spying on her albino neighbor. If that makes a book a classic, shame on you. Atticus against all odds is always fair and never makes anyone mad. He deals with all disputes perfectly. A wee bit too good to be true. Don't you think? Finishing this book felt like the equivalent of fighting in World War II with nothing but an army of G.I. Joes. If you have been given this book as a present I give you my deepest condolences."

"this book is to long and there arent eny car chases or bombs going off and i wuz bored and it would make a lowsy video game."
This has got to be a joke, but still priceless.

It is a very interesting and great book!!!!! I expecially liked how they talked of people standing up for what is right!! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This suit is NOT black. That was for you, Eric.

"This book is very nasty. It depicts scenes I would not care to see if I was being PAID. It's just a sick book. Dont read it, kids"

"THIS BOOK IS BORING!There's no other word to describe it.I just wasen't interested in this book.And they call this a "timeless classic"!Bah,humbug!If I had a cookie for every time I heard that, I'd be a very fat kid!"

"In our most humble opinion we think this book could use some work. Half the book dose not appeal to the readers eye, but on the other hand the other half of the book is completely different from the first half. This is a story that may have touched the hearts of some, but for the many that don't understand it. We agree with them because it doesn't make any sence to us."
Let me see if I got this right. So half the book didn't "appeal to the readers eye", and then you are upset that the second half is completely different?

"I'm sorry everyone. I don't see why this book is so fabeulos. I would give it a zero. I find no point in writing a book about segregation, there's no way of making it into an enjoyable book. And yes i am toataly against segragation. Thanks to all my friendswho had to tourchure threw reading this disgrace and supporting me in not likeing the book. By the way, DO NOT BUY, because if i find it in your house i won't think to kindly of you."
I think he secretly is a fan of segregation and "tourchure".

1 Star: Dr. Strangelove

Today we take a look at what the public think of one of my top ten favorite movies of all time.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

"If I know the film recorded black and white styl, I didn't bay it."

"Slim Pickens riding the bomb is a reference that is part of the American culture. Other than knowing the origin of this reference, this movie is a waste of time."

"THIS MOVIE IS PRETTY BAD. GOOD ACTING THOUGH"

"I have no idea why people say this is the funniest movie ever made. I don't get it, and I love comedies. I have seen it four times and I still do not get it. Maybe it is because I don't get Kubrick movies. I have seen several of them and don't get any of them."

"This movie is lame. There isn't one good laugh in it. It is tiresome. The only good thing about it is that it warns us against right wing lunatics who might start a nuclear war because they are crazy. Fine. It is politically correct. But that doesn't mean that the movie is any good, and it isn't."

All these people who don't understand the movie make Dr. Strangelove a sad panda.

1 Star Classics

I've been busy of late and haven't had much to really blog about, but I have been coming up with some new ideas to post about. The first is going to be a segment called "1 Star Classics" in which I will focus on a book, movie, or album that is highly regarded as a classic and qoute Amazon.com reviewers that gave them 1 star. The first edition goes to:

William Shakespeare: The Complete Works

"Shakespeare may be a genius, but cmon, this is the worst reading material i have ever seen."

"Guess what! This is a great book! JUST KIDDING! It's HORRIBLE! IT IS BY FAR THE WORST BOOK I HAVE READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! I would never, ever, ever, ever buy this book. NEVER! Oh, did I mention how bad the writing is? The writing is HORRIBLE! IT IS THE WORST WRITING THAT I HAVE READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! If you are bored enough to read this book, you have way too much free time and don't deserve to have the money that it costs to buy it. I really don't know why everyone says that Shakespeare is such a great writer. He isn't."

"Hello Shakespeare, is anyone home? Most people will say that I didn't understand this, but I totally did and it still stinks. It cannot equal the feeling I got from reading abou Frodo and Sam climbing mount doom. And the fight scenes were totally unrealistic. I'm into suspending disbelief and all, but Hamlet? Hello? Like, a ghost living? Give me Mount Doom anyday."

"The only ones who seem to like ol' Shakes are drama department queens. His plays are essentially empty souled affairs with emotions that are either shallow or excessively melodramatic. There is not a single recognizable flesh and blood human being in his plays. He lacks any consistent viewpoint so that his output all adds up to nothing. Don't waste your time."