1 Star: Twilight

This is for all you 'Twihards' out there. A 1 Star review of the crappiest book to ever sweep the nation, Twilight. I didn't have time to go through the hundreds of reviews berating this monstrosity so we will just have to make due with what I found. As always these are real reviews from Amazon.com presented in all their grammatical glory with my occasional comments in red. Let's begin...

"There still remains one simple fact: this is one of the most painfully badly-written pieces of published writing I have ever had the misfortune of coming across.
I've scored 9th-grade essays that tortured the English language significantly less. Her editor should be shot; maybe then he'd do a better job.
It makes me shudder to think about what the manuscripts must have looked like before editing. I can only conclude that Meyer has the IQ of a leek."
Leeks everywhere rise in protest of being compared to the mental prowess of the author and then commit ritual seppuku.

"I'm sorry, but a person who sparkles in the sunlight, only eats animals and doesn't have fangs is not a vampire. It's a friggen PIXIE."

"Seriously? People seriously think these books are good?
THE VAMPIRES SPARKLE. In the sunlight. SPARKLE.
LIKE THEIR SKIN IS COVERED WITH DIAMONDS.
That alone should make everyone throw these books on the fire. SPARKLING? ARE YOU SERIOUS WOMAN?"

"To put it simply, Stephenie Meyer couldn't write her way out of a paper bag."

"being a vampire and having had a romance with a teenage girl, i can say with authority that this is a terrible representation of either."
Finally we have confirmation from the teen molesting vampires themselves that this is tripe.

"Absolutely dreadful - no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Poorly written story that glorifies an unhealthy, codependent relationship between a whiny, emo teenager and a controlling, emotionally abusive stalker vampire - that sparkles. Blech."
What?! The relationship of a 100 year old man who looks like a teenager and spends his days stalking a teen is 'unhealthy'?

"Meyer's writing style is quite horrendous.
'Who gets to ask the questions tomorrow?' I asked quizzically.
'I don't know,' Edward retorted.
'Is it you?' I wondered musingly.
'I think I get to answer the questions tomorrow," he remarked cheekily.
'Oh really?' I huffed angrily.
'Oh yes!' he chortled naughtily.
This is beyond a joke."
I vomitted a little reading this paragraph.

"This novel is a piece of rubbish that should be placed at the bottom of a paper bag and filled with excrete and burned at Stephenie Meyer's doorstep."

"I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS MOVIE jt is great first bella is perfect she shows teenagers it is ok to b in love with someone ay a young age edward show tht having compasoin with someone it can mean it eill be dangerous this movie is the best and people who dont like it have no heart for good books"
We end with a standard Twilight fan who, by the way, gave the book a 1 star rating as well.

It Moved...

So, I haven't been around writing. Actually I have but what is written is in the 'draft' section as they have all been deemed 'not suitable for public viewing' because of their likelihood to offend people. So it goes. Maybe I will post them. The problem is that with knowledge of older posts it becomes blatantly obvious who they refer to.

Anyway some updates.

I changed the template for the blog. I felt a change of scenery might make we more enthusiastic about coming back.

I have been officially Licensed through WACC and BGC/Converge as a Minister. I immediately began work on my Endorsement for chaplaincy through the denomination and am currently in the final stage of that process. I have an interview with a BGC chaplain later this month who will... well I don't quite know what she will want to know that isn't in my application. Anyway, it's happening. After this is completed I will begin work towards Ordination, which I hope to have done by the end of the year.

I finished my second and third unit of my chaplaincy internship and just began my fourth and final unit at Children's. I'm the old man of the group, a dispenser of wisdom, a brilliant guiding light, and I am still the youngest by at least 22 years or more. Nice. I will be finished in December.

And last but not least, I am going to be a father.

Desperately Seeking Ordination

There's something about aligning myself with a group, any group, that I find... distasteful.

Why then am I desperately seeking ordination? I need a job! I have been putting off joining a denomination because of this history of disgust with groups but now I must suck it up. In particular, aligning myself based on my beliefs is quite difficult for me. I was called a heretic at Biola, I was called a heretic at Talbot, too conservative for some of the other chaplains, something about how people want to place themselves within the bounds of a group is confusing to me.

So I applied for a per diem chaplain position with San Diego Hospice last month. Requirements: MDiv... check, 1 unit of CPE... check, endorsement of a denomination.... ugh. They would not pass on my resume because I didn't have my ordination/endorsement. Since that time I have diligently been working toward making it happen.

Normally a minister seeking ordination would simply work through their current church, however our current church is not formerly affiliated with a denomination. Our previous church in LA, Whittier Area Community Church, was awesome and part of the Baptist General Conference. Pastor Bill said that he would write a letter on my behalf to any church I became affiliated with, which is extremely helpful. The only other church I know in San Diego is also BGC and came highly recommended is Flood. I met briefly after a service with the lead pastor and he seemed to think that I would be able to work with them toward my ordination. I left there encouraged and I'm hoping to meet with him again and talk about how this might work.

So it's in process. I'm sort of waiting for the leaders of Flood to make the next move though. I already sent them an email, I'm trying to be patient. Never have I been so close to being able to do what I want to do for a career.

Way Freakin' Busy

This has been an immersive few months at the hospital, that's why I haven't been able to write much. That and the fact that all the cool stories I could put in a blog would be illegal thanks to the HIPAA bastards. My goals for this unit have been much heavier than they were last time, focusing on caring for chronically ill children and being a support to families who experience death in the hospital. And so far I have been able to work with many families that fit those two categories.

I have gotten to know a lot of families in our Oncology unit. I would have to say that it has been some of the most meaningful work I've done so far. Some of these families are at the hospital for months and we get to come along side them from the day of their diagnosis to the day they finish treatment. It's a bond that is powerful if correctly fostered by staff and utilized by families.

400 hours down! 400 more by June 5th!

Back To The Hospital

Tomorrow I start a new semester at the hospital. I'm not sure what units I will be covering this time, although I do know that they will be in a higher acuity floor. The last 6 months were great and I am looking forward to the next as well. But a major difference from last semester is that this time I will be working full-time rather than only part-time. I have to be at the hospital 40 hours a week in order to attain all the clinical hours needed. It's going to be a lot of time. If I miss a day, I'll have to make it up on my weekends. If for some reason I missed a week, say I got sick, I would not be very happy trying to make up all that time. But it's not all bad, by June I will have 2 more units completed and have a total of 3 of the 4 needed to be certified.

And on a completely different note. This was my 100th blog post. I'm sure there are people who can do that in a month, well it took me about 2 1/2 years! Huzzah!

Favorite Music Of 2008

It's been a busy year for Rachelle and I, 2008 I mean. So far 2009 has been pretty chill, for me at least. But with the end of the year comes the eventual "best of" lists. Well, I can't give a best of list because I am only getting back into the search for good music. For the past 2 years I had pretty much given up hope that good music existed. If you listen to the radio, you know what I mean. This list will be a list of what I believe to be gems waiting for others to discover. Trust me, a ray of light still exists, hope still exists among the Britney comebacks and relentless Fall Out Boy releases. Hope came and found me this time, through my good buddy Pandora.com. A band gave me hope and made me want to know what else I had been missing, and they begin our list:

The Black Keys - Attack & Release
The blues rock duo of Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney out of Akron give a new reason to root for the Ohio rock scene. These guys are by no means new kids on the block, with 4 albums under their belt and signed to a major label. Their latest album, "Attack & Release", was a collaboration with Ike Turner (before his death) and acclaimed hip hop producer Brian 'Danger Mouse' Burton. The release is definitely a departure from their earlier work, all of which is highly recommended. Some people have been complaning that this album has been overproduced and sounded too different. I disagree. Their early work is great, and very raw. I think Danger Mouse has done a admirable job polishing this album while keeping them who they are and not injecting his own hip hop specialties. The album still holds some blunt weapons like "Strange Times" and "I Got Mine" which slap you on the face and make stand to attention like previous albums. Also some slower, powerful songs like "Lies" and "Psychotic Girl" with it's hypnotic background vocals and beat. They make me want to be a better man. Take a listen:

Mount Eerie - Lost Wisdom
This list is meant to be a sampling of albums made this year that I have discovered. Some I know more than others, so if my descriptions aren't as long as they should be it's because they are newer to me to. This is one of them. Mount Eerie is Phil Elverum, formerly of The Microphones. About this change Elverum said: "Mount Eerie is a new project. The Microphones was completed, or at least at a good stopping point. I did it because I am ready for new things. I am new." I respect that. Knowing where to end something is often harder than starting something new. When I first heard the beginning of "Voice In Headphones" I figured it was just another Eliot Smith wannabe then from no where came these heavenly harmonies of Julie Doiron and Fren Squire. The album is short, just over 20 minutes but worth a listen.

The Mars Volta - The Bedlam In Goliath
Those who know me are well aware of my man crush for TMV, so this pick will not be a surprise. The Mars Volta bless us with their 4th album post At The Drive-In. Their prog-rock sound is, according to the band itself, like a "donkey choking a waffle". I couldn't fathom a better description. The most uncertain part of this album was the inclusion of a new drummer, Thomas Pridgen. TMV have a tendency to musically hijack alien spacecrafts during their songs and soar out into the universe while the listener eagerly waits for them to return, maybe. Keeping the beat is also what was able to keep them grounded. How would Pridgen do? The fears were unfounded, as Pridgen executes his instrument with a power TMV has yet to see. If you are interested, the album was plagued with much "bad luck" as well. While in Jerusalem, Omar bought an archaic oujia board that the band dubbed "The Soothsayer". After much hardship, one of which was the former drummer quiting, Omar broke the board and buried it in an undisclosed location to lift the curse they were afflicted by. Dope. For more read here. The band got mixed reviews with "Amputecture", and many have said this album is moving back toward "Frances The Mute". That may be true, but I hope they aren't getting too much label pressure to reign it in. TMV's job, as far as I am concerned, is to always take that step too far. Wherever the line is drawn, I sleep well at night knowing they can't even see the line from where they are. They're cruising Alpha Centauri, loving green women and leaving them.

This is getting long. Here are some others

Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
The Seattle quintet have gotten a lot of exposure for their first album. At the beginning of the year the group was signed to Sub Pop after their Myspace page had 250,000 plays in 2 months. While thier folk-pop stylings are good, it's hard to truly take them out of the indie scene that has helped rise them to the prominent position they are now enjoying. They're a part of a larger movement that they owe a lot to and fans who have spread the word about them.

Shugo Tokumaru - Exit
I don't think you're prepared for Shugo. Listening to "Exit" is like having elves crap a rainbow in your brain. You may not know what's happening, but you find yourself staringing at a pot of gold and all of a sudden you don't care anymore. Something like 50 different instruments were used in the making of this album, many by Shugo himself. Considering all those instruments, even banging on pots and pans, the production of this album is great. The stand out track "Parachute" is a sunny little pop ditty and all the tracks are so Japanese. I don't mean they have Japanese lyrics, I mean they are Japanese. The same way that "Katamari Damacy" couldn't be anything other than Japanese. It's great.

Why? - Alopecia
I love nerd rock. Well, these guys are raps answer to nerd rock. They're an interesting blend of indie rock and rap with lyrics that might make you laugh or cringe. This album isn't for everyone because of that. I did like how itunes put it when they said: "Alopecia... displays both crypticness and honesty, intellectualism and vulgarity in equal measure, challenging and placating its audience in the same drawn-out, undefined, nasally breath". The first song I heard off this album was perhaps the best, "Fatalist Palmistry". It begins with: "I sleep on my back because it's good for the spine and coffin rehearsal" to which I let out an unexpected laugh. Rap is a genre where artists take themselves far too seriously, self-agrandizement is expected. This album is a breath of fresh air in that respect.

Hauschka - Ferndorf
I really can't say it better than David Abravanel over at CokeMachineGlow: "Ferndorf is a record of understatement and introspection, of lightheartedness and melancholy nostalgia. Named after the small German town where Bertelmann grew up, it’s the soundtrack to the adage that you can take the boy out of the town, but you know the rest. The tear in Ferndorf is between Bertelmann’s lovely memories, of swimming holes and blue bicycles and pretty girls next door and nature walks, and the reality that he’s a budding international musician whose success likely would not have been possible had he not left this pristine setting. Just listen to those weeping chord changes on “Heimat” and try not to get choked up remembering your own childhood".

This took a lot longer than I expected and I didn't even get to the new Sigur Ros and many others. Maybe another time.

You Were Right

Last week I officially finished my first unit of Clinical Pastoral Education towards being accredited as hospital chaplain. For our final meeting we had to complete an exit interview report that turned out to be about 9 pages long. One of the questions asked: "What patient relationships have meant the most to you..." and I answered from the last 6 months with two patients. One is Shaya.

Shaya is vampire loving, cynical, goth, funny, black wearing, moody, anime watching teenager that I have been visiting for the past 5 months. Needless to say, we get along famously. She is a resident in our critical care facility at the hospital that is reserved for medically fragile children. When I say "resident", I mean that she lives at the hospital. She is restricted to a ventilator to always keep her lungs working whether in bed or in her wheelchair. When I visit her, she is home. It's different than a patient in the hospital proper. We hang out. Talk about guys that she likes, I help her with her homework, we play games, talk about her artwork, I am broadening her anime horizons which we occasionally watch together. Sometimes we talk about spiritual things, sometimes about how she's feeling, sometimes I just keep her company. When I was first getting to know her, she and the nurses hazed me one night during karaoke... yea that's right karaoke... in which they made me sing "Material Girl" by Madonna. Last Saturday was the annual Christmas Party and Shaya said she didn't want to get her picture taken with Santa and Mrs. Claus. So I made a deal with her. We would both be in the picture and I would sit on Mrs. Claus' lap, which I of course did and I think Mrs. Claus enjoyed. There were many families there that day and everyone seemed to have a good time. The party was from 1-3pm and about 4pm I decided I decided I best head out. Shaya put up a fuss like normal and finally let me go saying: "You're going to miss me."

Shaya died yesterday, Christmas Eve. Her last day on earth was spent talking with the San Diego Charger's LaDainian Tomlinson, better known as LT, in which she was interviewed, and subsequently on the evening news, during his time passing out presents at the hospital. Then she sweet talked the staff into giving her her Christmas presents early. Finally, she stayed up until 1am with another resident watching movies. Four hours later she passed away.

I knew when I began work at the hospital that I would experience loss. On average, a child dies at the hospital every other day. That isn't something I like to relegate to a ratio, but it is what it is. And it's not like I am a stranger to loss either. That's part of the reason why I wanted to go into this field; I know what it's like to have a loved one die. But this was Shaya , she wasn't sick, she was fine. She was not the page I was expecting to wake up to. 20 minutes later I wasn't greeted by her when I walked into her room this time rather by her intensely grieving parents. If you had told me that my Christmas Eve would be spending 4 1/2 hours being with Shaya's parents as I helped them mourn her loss and helped the staff mourn her loss, I wouldn't have wanted to believe it. But...

There is no place on earth I would have rather been at that moment than right there with them.

And she was right. I do miss her.

James Jean

I have held a love for the work of James Jean since I first stumbled upon his work while sifting through the garbage heap that is the interwebs. Ever since then I have lurked his website and blog, drooling over beautiful artwork and reading the interesting comments he put forth on his work. I would love to own one of his pieces, I often peruse his available prints looking for something that would be remotely acceptable to Rachelle.

He has a show coming up in New York. Stupid New York. Not to mention, a few months ago he announced that he would no longer be illustrating the covers for Fables. Sadness. Check out his stuff, buy it, love it, tell your friends about it.

Hitchhiker's Guide To Soft Drinks

If you find yourself travelling around the country and incredibly parched, make sure to keep this graph with you other wise you may unwittingly order the wrong soda.. er... coke... I mean... pop. Screw all of them, I ask for a Dr. Pepper! Dr. Pepper is what Jesus drinks. I bet the Anti-Christ will love Dr. Pepper too. I bet that will be confusing for them. You know when there is someone that you really can't stand, yet they have a similar love that you have? And you think to yourself: "How can they love that too? I hate everything about them" so part of you respects them for that one thing despite all the bad blood between you both. Yea, that's going to be Dr. Pepper for Jesus and, from the emails I see flying around the interwebs, Obama.