I Welcome Our New Rulers

Have you ever looked into the face of a god and said to yourself, "I think I could take'em!"? Perhaps I spin of the impossible. Not because there is no god, but rather because we have set them up so that it would be impossible; and therefore have already lost if we were ever put in a position where it would be essential to, to use the common vernacular, "bodog a god".

Let's set our sights lower then. Maybe not a "god" per se, perhaps a demigod. A man or woman with a fiery look about them that you knew was not of this earth. Certainly there was some sort of cosmic knocking of the boots that hewed them from their fleshy progenitors. Have you ever looked into the face of a demigod and said to yourself, "I think I could take'em!"? Of course you have. I don't believe there is a man, woman, or child on the planet who hasn't. The reason: handguns.

The 28th Amendment clearly states that, "Every citizen able, willing or not, to carry a handgun must do so in order to thwart the ever increasing threat of demigods aka 'freaks'". It is our moral and national obligation to send these sons and daughters of the pantheon back to Hades... with extreme prejudice. What? You say the complex loading mechanism is too difficult for your toddler to handle? If The Simpsons have taught us anything, it's that a piece of wood with a nail in it is sufficient to drive away an evil alien overlord. Even sharpening their beloved linkin logs into miniature stakes can be an effective tool.

Don't think of it as an obligation, it is though, rather think of it as a joyful expression of patriotism. Nothing says "God Bless America" like a decapitated Cupid at your feet. You may be thinking what I'm thinking. Whose going to clean up all this blood and the sheer volume of limbs strewn about? A recently discovered avian species, pigeonis giganticus, are being sailed into port. One Longshoreman was quoted to have said, "Whooooaa, that's a big pigeon". He later slipped and fell into one of the bird's droppings which was the size of a Buick. His memorial will be held Friday.